Musings on Everything

I muse, therefore I write.

Archive for August 2010

On Contact Lenses

I’m here to talk about my contacts. I do not like my contacts.

You see, I got my first-ever pair of contacts on Monday. I did not particularly want contact lenses– what’s wrong with regular old glasses? Mine are serving me just fine, they just need a new prescription, that’s all. I mean, they’re even Transitions. I honestly can’t remember anybody not liking my Transitions; in fact, they’ve netted me several compliments. So you can understand my confusion when my mother told the opthalmologist to set me up with some contacts at my eye exam earlier this summer. Of course, I complied with the request; I mean, what’s so bad about contacts, right?



Contact lenses are part of the unholy trinity of fashion. The other two parts are unrealistically skinny models and elective cosmetic surgery. All of these represent attributes that people think they need to have in order to be beautiful, and are also detrimental to some other aspect of their lives. Because of modern society, we are pressured to pretend that we are all unrealistically skinny models with picture-perfect bodily features and perfect 20/20 fighter pilot vision. Well, it’s just not true. Because nobody’s like that, it’s all camera angles and Photoshop. (Also, while I’ve got your attention, ladies, please stop wearing these. They’re horrible, and no guy likes them.)

Now, you may be wondering, “Well what’s so bad about contacts? They’re not harming my life, they’re making it better!” Are they? Are they really? Because money is being spent and time is being invested for you to look exactly the same as you do every day, only now you don’t need glasses. But you still do need glasses; they’re just suctioned onto your eyeballs now. And besides, half the time you’re wearing actual glasses anyway. So what was the point of getting contacts in the first place?

To make me look more attractive to the opposite sex!” you’ll inevitably conclude. But then explain them. And this guy. And her. All of those people are still attractive to the opposite sex (in some cases both sexes) and they are not wearing contacts.

And now, I, too, have been dragged, kicking and screaming, into this torturous realm. Because contacts suck, man. I mean, I have to spend 20 minutes in the bathroom getting them into my eyes in the first place. Perhaps trying to compensate in some way for the uselessness of these 20 minutes, I have given my contacts names. The right lens is “Fuckwit” and the left lens is “Dumbshit.” This is because they are not intelligent enough to stay in my eyes, instead preferring to fall out EVEN AFTER I HAVE CAREFULLY PLACED THEM RIGHT ON TOP OF MY IRIS DAMMIT into my sink, which is probably the dirtiest thing in my house, bar the kitchen sponge. I shudder to think how many diseases I’ll be contracting in the coming days and weeks because my contacts are total idiots.

Now, I must imagine that if my contacts fall out so very easily, then the entire contact lens species must be, as a whole, mentally chhallenged, which means that other people’s contacts fall out. And not everywhere is as clean as my sink. It could be the floor of a well-traveled hallway. It could be the road. It could be (and has been) right into a dissected frog’s preserved innards. I mean, come on. Surely people don’t feel that much more attractive with contacts on, right?

So tell me: do I look better with contact lenses, or with glasses?


Written by Sri

August 4, 2010 at 9:26 PM

Posted in Uncategorized